These events happened a while ago, but I’ve only just managed to wrap my head around them. I’m still don’t quite understand how it happened, or how I can make it happen again…
In which he demands quality nail art supplies
“I’m bored!” the boyfriend sighs. I see his eyes dart towards the pile of un-throw-out-able beauty products in the corner of my room. “Can I help you clean?”
This is never a good phrase to hear. He’s convinced I’m a hoarder; I’m equally adamant that he produces too much waste by throwing things away and later rebuying them when he comes to the inevitable realisation that he needs them again. “Um… how about you design some nail art? You’re always saying I should do bolder designs, maybe you can give me an idea of what you had in mind?”
This suggestion seems to quell the Throw All the Things beast, and I toss a few white swatch sticks his way. “Just give me one, I don’t want to waste your stuff,” he says.
“I don’t actually use those for swatching, I prefer the clear ones. Use all the sticks you want.”
His eyes narrow. “I don’t want to use substandard sticks.”
In which he discovers near-dupes and lemmings
After reassurances that they’ll be fine, he starts asking for colours. “I want black. Do you have a bright green as well?”
I show him Rimmel Green Grass. “Darker,” he says.
I take out ulta3 Frog Prince. “More fluoro.” I’m feeling more and more like I’m dealing with a demanding toddler. “I can’t believe you have this many polishes and no GOOD colours.”
“What’s wrong with this one?” I hold Frog Prince up to the light, in the vain hope that it’d appear more fluoro.
“It won’t work,” he pouts. “Can’t you just mix one up?” He points at a swatch of American Apparel Neon Green on my screen. “That’s the perfect colour! Buy that one.”
“It’s really hard to get a hold of here,” I explain. Hoping to appease him, I bring up a photo of BYS Fatal Attraction. “How about this?”
“It’s close, but it’s not the same. Can’t you just buy it on eBay?” he asks, squirming a bit. I take a moment to process that the boy who thinks a 10 polish collection is “more than enough”, is demanding that I satisfy his lemming, right now. “Don’t you have friends in America who can send it over?” And now he wants a polish mule.
“How about we layer a fluoro yellow over the green and see how it goes,” I say. He deems Barry M Acid Yellow over ulta3 Frog Prince “acceptable”. “It’d be better if it was one polish, you know. You should buy a medium fluoro green anyway,” he says. He points out a streaky part and sighs. “I guess it’ll be covered with my design anyway.”
In which he becomes a nail art expert
Nail art brush in hand, he gets to work. A few minutes later, he’s done. “Look Muffin! I made a hypnosis spiral!” he announces proudly. I look up, and to my surprise, he has indeed managed to produce a convincing spiral on the swatch stick.
|Expert nail art.|
“Nail art is easy,” he smiles smugly. In an admirable display of self-control, I do not backhand him.
In which he micromanages his pedicure
Having witnessed him touch more nail things in an hour than ever before, I decide to see how far I can push it. With bated breath, I ask him if he’d like spirals on his toes. “You could hypnotise people with your toes! Everyone would love them. You’d have… hypnotoes!” This felt like a pretty good pitch to me – he loves attention, and he loves a catchy name. He’s actually enthusiastic.
“Make sure the colour’s not streaky!” he orders. “And when you draw the line, don’t press too hard with the brush or the line will get too wide and blobby, and you won’t have the same effect,” he says. I glare at him. “But, uh, I guess you already knew that. I just thought you’d appreciate me sharing my experience.” No words.
In which he innovates with nail poses
“Don’t I have to take a picture?” he asks. “That’s what you do with your Instagram or Twitter or whatever stupid thing you’re always on when you should be paying attention to me.” I obligingly take out my phone. “I have to hold a polish bottle, don’t I? Otherwise it’ll look amateurish.”
|A professional nail photo.|