[Editor's note: As you might know, I have a boyfriend, and he has Opinions on
Things, including what I wear on my nails. I gave him 8 of my favourite green polishes to review. This is
Macro shots by me, the bottle shots are by him.]
As Michelle is busy trying to finish her thesis, she gave me a selection of 8 different nail polishes to review. The overriding theme of these nail polishes is seemingly green and sparkles. One of the first things I noticed about the collection was that some of them were called nail polish, whilst others were dubbed nail enamel, or nail lacquers, or nail colours. At first I thought this meant they were different, or might have a different purpose, but I was corrected by Michelle. They are all, in fact, just nail polish.
Being a man I was hesitant to put all this sparkly shit on my nails, so below are my thoughts on the colours and packaging of the following polishes.
Cult Nails - I Got Distracted
This one is kind of black with a few different sizes of greenish and silverish/goldish sparkles. Before I go any further I should get something out of the way. I think sparkles look tacky. Sparkles are to nail polish what gold paint is to jewellery. Most men do not get excited by sparkly things, the ones who do are fairies. Men cannot tell the difference between “big” and “small” sparkles, between “glitters” and “shimmers” or whatever other names they may come by, all we see is tacky sparkles. The only thing worse, is rainbow sparkles, or a number of different coloured sparkles in the one polish. They just make it look dirty. You may as well pour dirt or sand in your nail polish. When Leonardo da Vinci painted The Mona Lisa he didn’t use sparkles, because it would have made it shit. It’s not that different with nails. The reason they invented sparkly nail polish is because they ran out of colours to make. By adding sparkles there is now an infinite number of colour and sparkle combinations for them to sell. Don’t buy into their corporate greed. Their only positive feature, I suppose, is that they are easier to make at home from other polishes and glitters. I’m sorry but it seems I got distracted. As far as this nail polish is concerned, it’s redeemed slightly by the fact that they started with black. It’s not completely horrible.
AR - Reptar
When I hear Reptar, I think of the cool green dragon thing from Rugrats [Ed: Not a dragon.]. When I look at this nail polish, I think of the sour cream in my fridge that’s going mouldy, and has bits of chilli sauce in it. If it didn’t have all the different colours of sparkles it would be quite a respectable polish. There’s just too much going on in there.
[Ed: He liked it when I wore it, and said it was nice because it was a bit different. The boyfriend has no memory. Also AR = Alanna Renee - he seemingly doesn't have much in the way of eyesight, either...]
Orly - Coachella Dweller
I like this one. Kind of makes me think of guacamole. In fact, I’m not completely sure this isn’t actually guacamole. Whilst I’m not a huge fan of avocado, I do like guacamole on Mexican food, so I do think pretty highly of it. I’m pretty sure the name of the polish has nothing to do with the colour, which I don’t like. In fact I just came up with a better name - Guacamole Green. I don’t know if there’s a person assigned the task of coming up with nail polish names, but if there is they should be fired, and they should pay me to do it instead.
Gloss 'n Sparkle - Goblins Grave
This is my least disliked out of all the sparkly ones. Possibly because it has the least number of different coloured sparkles. This one is all green/blue with different greenish/blue sparkles. I’m not sure I think of sparkles when I think of goblins but I do think of green, so I’ll give it a few points. They also call it a nail polish. I like it when people call a spade a spade.
Nubar - Greenish sparkles
[Ed: It's Reclaim. He though "Reclaim" on the bottom was so you knew what code to use when you recycled the bottle.]
Not sure what this one was supposed to be called. The closest thing I could find to a name was formaldehyde, phthalate, and toluene free. Michelle says this one has a rainbow shimmer. I don’t see rainbows, and if I did, I would like it less. I’d say it’s an inconsistent green. It’s like there are sparkles in there, but they are concerned about their weight and are covering up, and there’s a rainbow in there, but it won’t come out of the closet. It’s something I can’t put my finger on, and as such I don’t really like it.
L’Oreal - Majestic Green
This was only nail polish to have a name which might suggest what colour it is, and they got it wrong. This is most certainly not green. If I had to call it a colour it would be gold, but it’s not your average gold, they’ve taken gold and made it sparkly, which makes it look kind of brown. Imagine a child that ate a curry then vomited it back up. In fact, it looks just like the turmeric and coconut chicken curry we used to get from the Thai restaurant up the road from uni. Not so majestic. Also it’s the smallest of the lot, and I’m guessing it’s not a cheap one. This was my least favourite.
Emily de Molly - Majestic Flight
[Ed: Every time we go into a clothing store, he makes a beeline for whatever item most resembles a rainbow. Every. Time. And 90% of the time we leave with it. Here are some of his clothes:
BYS - Fatal Attraction
This is the best one by far. It’s bold, it’s simple, it’s clean, and it’s not pretentious. Plus, IT DOESN’T HAVE SPARKLES! Also it’s a colour that I like. I would wear this one myself.
Trent is a first-time blogger who likes skydiving and rock climbing and other manly things. He hates sparkles.